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Ryan Beltram

Ryan Beltram

Passionate about movies, sports and writing, Ryan hails from Bend but lives in Springfield now. He earned his college degree in journalism from the University of Oregon and hopes to one day write a novel. He also enjoys sunsets and long walks on the beach.
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Where Did The Week Go…

Where Did The Week Go

 

Man Wants City to Ban Fart Smells

A couple of weeks ago I was at work when a female worker walked between myself and another coworker, sat down and promptly farted without a care in the world. My fellow employee and I made eye-contact and we were both stunned and amused. The aftermath soon followed. This woman had crop-dusted the whole area. At no point did I stop and think, ‘You know, she should be fined for that.’

I bring it up because a man in Pendleton, Oregon feels that the smell of farts is too much to handle and since the City of Pendleton recently updated its nuisance ordinances to cover the smell of marijuana, why not include farts.

The marijuana rule means that despite the drug becoming legal in Oregon on July 1, a person can still be fined up to $500 if someone complains that they smell marijuana coming from that person’s property.

Fart smell-Getty Images

Beware of crop-dusters. | (Getty Images)

A letter written by Peter Walters and published in the East Oregonian last week believes city council members should think stinkier.

“It was with great relief Thursday when I read in the East Oregonian that Pendleton’s city council took the time to pass an amendment to the city’s nuisance ordinance banning marijuana odor,” wrote Walters. “Clearly, there has been no issue of greater importance facing the city. Now that this important work has been completed I hope that the council will move on to restricting the other offensive smell that plagues our community: farts.”

I’m smelling a big whiff of sarcasm in that letter but it doesn’t mean he isn’t right. He went on to say, “Some habitual farters argue that they need to fart for medical reasons but that doesn’t mean my kids should have to smell their farts.”

Finally, someone’s tackling the big issues facing society. The days of saying “Whoever smelt it dealt it” are over. Now it’s… “Whoever sprayed it will pay for it.” Or, something like that.

 

Shoplifter Allegedly Stuffs AK-47 Down Pants

Welcome back Florida, it’s been awhile! Police in Fort Lauderdale say Marlon Alvarez, 19, tried to rob a pawn shop in the middle of the day on Tuesday by stuffing an assault rifle down his pants. There’s many things you could stuff down there without anyone noticing but a rifle is certainly not one of those things.

Marlon Alvarez-wkrg.com

Marlon Alvarez thought stuffing an AK-47 down his pants would be a good idea. | (wkrg.com)

The shop owner became suspicious of Alvarez when he noticed the young man limping out of the store. Turns out he had a $850 rifle down one of the pant legs.

Alvarez was held on $25,000 bond for grand theft and the violation of a domestic violence injunction.

This is obviously a troubled young man, but did he really think he would be able to get out of the shop undetected? How did he even get that thing down his pants without anyone noticing? Was he wearing Hammer pants? And he needed to run, how would he do it? So many questions. Only in Florida.

 

Man Named Bacon Assaults Person for Eating Sausage

A New Jersey man named Thomas Bacon was arrested earlier this month after he allegedly attacked another person in his home for eating a piece of sausage. He was charged with simple assault, but after the victim did no require treatment for any injuries, Bacon was released.

That’s really all there is to this story but I thought I’d mention it for two reasons: it involves bacon of some kind and to point out that sometimes, these stories just write themselves don’t they? Also, notice how I avoided a slew of meat puns in this story.

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